002: Standing In Place
I don't know what to do. I just feel stuck. I don't know where to go. I just feel lost. I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore. Then again, I'm not sure I ever knew in the first place. I remember having attainable dreams. I also remember feeling like I had a sense of purpose. But now all of that is gone and I'm left questioning my existence. This all started when my sister passed away in October of 2020. It got even worse when my brother passed away in November of 2021. They died a year, a month, and a day apart. Stacey was 21 and Demetrius was 26. They were my best friends. They were my inspirations. They were my favorite people in the world.
They meant more to me than anyone could ever imagine. So with that comes an intense and lengthy grieving process. Their absence hits me hard from multiple angles and I still wake up hoping this is all just a terrible dream. I get sadder and angrier when I wake up to this new reality. This weird world without logic or compassion. This empty world where everything feels mute and monochrome. I hate it. I hate it so much. I'm not sure why I'm still here. I'm not sure why I get to live and they don't. I torture myself on a daily basis by questioning fate. I torture myself even further by vacillating between ending things and pushing forward.
Being a big brother was an interesting role for me. I was in a unique position where I was old enough to be a guardian figure, yet still young enough to be a peer with similar interests. I helped raise my siblings from birth to adulthood and I'm beyond happy with the way they turned out. Despite not having children and never wanting my own, it made me understand how rewarding it could be to nurture a child and aid in their growth. And that makes losing them hurt even more. I didn't just lose siblings. I didn't just lose friends. I lost children. I lost adults who barely got a chance to actually be adults. I'm grieving the lives they never got to live.
I remember having trouble writing this post back in 2022. Because there’s so much more that I want to say, and I still find it difficult to fully detail everything going on inside of my head and my heart. To put it bluntly, I’m miserable. I’ve been miserable since 2020 and beyond. I was wrestling with a lot even before their deaths, and now I’ve become even more depressed. The feeling that I no longer have meaning or purpose is consuming me at the moment. A lot of my happiness was tied directly to my siblings. They brought me effortless joy and I was so excited to see what the future held for them. With them now gone, happiness no longer seems accessible for me.
I’m afraid that I failed them in life and that I’ll continue to fail them in death. I’m afraid that my desire and efforts to honor their memories may end up being fruitless and hollow. My progress has halted and I’m slowly sliding backwards. I’m getting older and can’t get time’s incessant ticking out of my head. I’m afraid that I was never a good enough adult and I never will be. I understand that a lot of this is probably "depression brain" where everything is the absolute worst and nothing will ever get better, but I have to try my best not to get lost in this sauce. Maybe things will turn around. Making peace with yourself is often a late blooming process.